Man vs Woman

Man vs Woman in Two Minute Conversation

Wife heading grocery asks husband: Is there anything I can pick up for you while I'm there?

Husband Replies: Maybe some chips and soda.

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Husband heading to grocery asks wife: Is there anything I can pick up for you while I'm there?

Wife replies: I need some soda. Get me the Coke Zero one, but not the diet coke. and maybe a Sprite or 7Up with sugar. And some chips. The hard ones. not the regular ones. The ones we get at restaurants. They're hard. Like Cape Cod brand. I need something salty. 

Husband responds: How will I know if they're hard? 

Wife responds: You know like Cape Cod brand or the restaurant kind.

Oh NO!

OK so I've been going to this coffee shop for over a year now. Great place, good coffee friendly folks. In the rear of the shop is a unisex very clean well-kept restroom and an employees only room. Now that you have the lay of the place, recently, I was tanking up on some high octane coffee and naturally needed to visit that clean unisex restroom. While in there I heard a knock on the door and I responded politely that the restroom was "occupied", to which I heard a low giggle. Didn't think much of it until I left the restroom and noticed a "Men's" sign on the formerly "Employees only" room and turned to notice "Women's" on the restroom I had just confidently walked into and used. Does that make me a Democrat?

Ode to Spring 2014

Damed that was rough - the winter last
if you don't mind, nature, this year we can pass

let's stick with the Spring the flowers are amazing
in lush golden fields I want to be lazing

still working on

Ode to Winter 2014

Blankets of snow, silver, blue and white
remove the lost Summer from our sight

and pave a path for Demeter's grief
for six long months there'll be no relief

Thankfully grape pickers efforts have been fully spent
and in great oak barrels the tiny grapes ferment

Far from those fields outside my garage
the spare car has been hit by a snowy barrage

with shovels sharpened and boots tied up tight
I dig out the damned car for half the night

The snow drifts are pretty and flakes tickle my nose
but let's get real folks it really freaking cold

as soon as this car is cleared of this shit
I'm hoping in it and from here I'll split

If those grapes ain't fermented to a high alcohol point
I'm getting some bourbon and with my liver annoint

Ode to Winter 2013

Frosted white with downy flake
the trees, the house, the whole damned state

and so I don my boots and cap
the next four hours I'll shovel that crap

for somewhere out there beneath the frozen water
I hope to find my car but shovel right pass my wife's missing mother

Ode to Autumn

Red and orange fire have set the trees ablaze.
Persian-carpet-like the lawn is laid
far behind the warm summer days
The path to winter as years gone by is paved
Feather-like golden hues the leaves do flutter
Alas, some time next week I must rake those muthas

Why I'm a Christian

A Hindu relative, let's call him Bob, 'cause his real name is a tongue twister, asked me why I'm a Christian. So, I told him, "I'm not. I'm a George, 'cause my parents named me that just like my friend, who is named Christian, is a Christian 'cause his parent's named him that, but we call him Chris. fused for  second then turned real annoyed like and sarcastically said, "NO. Why are you of the Christian faith, you idiot?"  "Well smart ass" I responded "'Cause unlike other saviors, Jesus has a sense of humor, man. When he comes back, I'm so gonna ask him to help me play a joke on my friend Christine, ('cause that's what her parents named her, OK). And he's so gonna do it. I'm gonna ask Jesus to appear to her right away and tell her, 'Ya know, Mary, Joseph and I hate you. We never really liked you!' and then just disappear. Then he's gonna head on down to the sewerage and water board and turn all the tap water into wine. And we're all gonna hit the tap with Jesus and laugh and I mean all of us at once 'cause he's Jesus and can be everywhere at once like Santa Claus. And Jesus will down a glass and say, 'Oh man you should have seen the look on Christine's face'. Then the next morning Jesus is gonna visit Christine really early and say "JC, JK!' And Christine will look all confused and frightened by him appearing like that in her shower and just stammer a bit. And Jesus will repeat it then add, 'JC, Jesus Christ,  JK, just kidding' and they'll both laugh real hard until Christine's eye starts twitching and then she starts crying and he'll get all uncomfortable and leave. Then we'll all wake up later with wine headaches except Jesus 'cause he's like Jesus and still in total party mode. And we'll all say 'please Jesus enough with the singing already man'. Then we'll all think, 'WOW. It's so great there's a toilet next to the shower when we turn it on and more red wine come out and we can smell it'. That, Bob, is Why I'm a Christian. Can your god do THAT!?" To which he just nodded to say NO and walked quickly away glancing at me over his shoulder like I might follow him or something.